saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
