hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
