Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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