wrigley field is MILF paradise
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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