Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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