I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
