??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
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