on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
