He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
