last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
