yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
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