I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
