You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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