The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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