M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
