im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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