I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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