so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
