A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
