There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Randomize
