so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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