I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
she pinky promised me she was 18
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
