I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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