there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
