nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
