i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
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