I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
