im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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