I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
