he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
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