I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
