Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
