"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
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