What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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