question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
