I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
