i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
