Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
