ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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