Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
