I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
Me too!
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
