shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Randomize
