i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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