Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Damn victory sex feels great
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
