Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
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