3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
