K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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