I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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