this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
