I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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