I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
