Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
