i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
We got so high we made milksteak
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
